BeyondSeeLevel

Once upon a time in my life, I was in a very dysfunction marriage. He was my first love right out of high school. So you can imagine just how emotionally attached I was to him. During this time, I was at the beginning of my walk with the Lord. For the first two years after I gave my life to God, I had Him, but I hadn’t really allowed God to have me.

I was committed and faithful to my husband. But it seemed that the more committed I was to him, the less committed he was to me. This crushed my spirit daily. As often as we’d attempt to reconcile, it seemed to be just a verbal agreement to get me to stop talking about our problems. I never had to “take him back” because I couldn’t really let him go.

I remember one day in particular. I was unexpectedly, brought face to face with his infidelity yet again. It was only unexpected because the night before, we had had one of our meetings of reconciliation. So, needless to say, I was feeling good in my spirit, thinking that my little family was safe and secure and things were on the up and up.

Wrong! I started to cry out to the Lord again! Nothing new. Same ole tears. Same ole complaints. Same ole accusations. I reminded God again of all the wrong my husband was doing. I told God that I didn’t deserve this because I was such a faithful wife. I had never even considered being unfaithful to my husband, even though I wasn’t being treated right. I deserved better than what I was getting.

Like the times before, neither my husband nor my circumstances changed. As a matter of fact, it seemed to me, that they both got worse. I would pray and listen for God to give me a Word about my unfaithful husband. But God didn’t do that. God was silent when it came to my husband. I didn’t even realize that God had been trying to tell me about me all that time. But my ears were closed to that because I wasn’t listening for it. Honestly, outside of God’s words of comfort for my broken heart, I didn’t think there was anything else for Him to tell me concerning my marriage.

Quite the contrary, God had plenty to say to me about me concerning my marriage. And it wasn’t what I expected at all. God revealed to me that, in spite of my husband’s demons, I had several of my own. And because of my own demons, even if I had gained the favor of my husband, I still did not have God’s favor. My demons had me so blinded, that I looked right past my own demons to focus on my husband’s. And I believe that because of this, God couldn’t tell me anything about myself because I would not have received it anyway. So instead of God telling me anything, He simply asked me questions that required me to look at myself. The questions required me to consider my marriage, but they were purposed to get me to see the me in my own mess. God took pity on me. He was merciful enough to expose me to myself. Look what God asked me not concerning my marriage, but about me.

Have you ever cried when you didn’t hear from Me?
Have you ever lost your appetite when you felt disconnected from Me?
Have you ever lost any sleep waiting on Me to show you some love and affection?
Have you ever manipulated your schedule to make sure you were able to spend time with Me?
Am I really your #1 priority?

In that moment, my marriage was no longer the topic of discussion. I was! God’s questioning forced me to do something I hadn’t done in a long time. I had to look at myself. Not at what was happening to me. Not what my husband was doing to me. But me… In that self-evaluation, God introduced me to the demons that had been dominating me — the ones that had blinded me to myself.

First, He introduce me to my spirit of idolatry. God showed me in this relationship, that my husband was more of a god to me than God was God to me. I would forsake the assembly in order to try to secure some time with my husband. But that got me nowhere. Although my relationship with my husband wasn’t healthy, I still spent more time and effort trying to make sure that relationship was okay than I had ever put into securing my relationship with God. “You shall have no other gods before me.” – Exodus 20:3

Next, God introduced me to my spirit of self-righteousness. As much attention as I gave to my husband’s wrongdoings and sin, I never really paid attention to my own. I would compare my perceived goodness to his apparent badness and I felt pretty good about myself. Especially, as it related to where we both stood with God. I was in a much better place because I was faithful in the marriage. But had I considered my own unfaithfulness to God, I would have drawn a different conclusion. And I would have walked more in humility than pride. Because right then, I realized that just because I wasn’t in sin the way my husband was, I was still in sin. “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” – Matthew 7:5

That wasn’t the end. God continued to expose me to myself. He showed me my spirit of retaliation. I had felt justified in my wrongdoings so long, I didn’t even consider the things I had done retaliation. My hurt had blinded me to the fact that I wanted to see him hurt, the way he hurt me. I was simply responding to how he had treated me. I wasn’t wrong. I was justified because had he not done bad things to me, I would not have wanted bad things to happen to him. “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” – Romans 12:19

Finally, God introduced me to my own selfishness. I spent a lot of time praying ABOUT my husband. But I didn’t pray FOR him. I wanted God to fix him for me. But I wasn’t concerned about how he stood in the presence of God. I would ask God to move my husband’s heart to be faithful to me — to love me. But it never dawned on me that outside of what I wanted from my husband to do and be for me, I didn’t have any love for him. I only cared about the parts of him that served me. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” – Philippians 2:3-4

I’m sure there were plenty of other things that God showed me about myself during that season. And I’ve tried to walk in those life altering, awakening moments since then. God used the dysfunctions in my relationship with my husband to expose me to the dysfunctions in my relationship with Him. My husband was unfaithful to me. I was unfaithful to God. My husband was using me. I was using God. I couldn’t trust my husband to care for our relationship. God couldn’t trust me to care for ours.

This was a very difficult season for me. But it was also one of the most rewarding. God opened my eyes to see what my hurt and pride wouldn’t allow me to see — the “me in my own mess”. “The LORD opens the eyes of the blind; The LORD raises up those who are bowed down; The LORD loves the righteous” – Psalm 146:8

The missing piece I needed to heal from my past hurt was my own repentance.

*Tressa Jo