BeyondSeeLevel

I woke up this morning around 3 am with tears in my eyes and grief in my spirit. I was consumed with thoughts of my mother. I lost her to cancer in March of 2008. Every now and then, she shows up in my dreams. She’s never vocal, but always visible. The last few times I dreamed about her, she was quiet but in distress from her illness. My mom was a silent sufferer. She didn’t moan about too many things in her life. She just dealt with them. In those dreams, she was silent but visibly in pain from her sickness. I’m not sure what the dream was intended to show me—if it was intended to show me anything at all. But it gave me a sense of peace knowing that, had she still been here, she probably would not have wanted to be because of the pain she would have had to endure. She would have been here but she wouldn’t have been her. She would not have been the same person. But last night’s dream was a little different. She wasn’t visible this time.  I never saw her in the dream. I was driving her car on my way to where she was, when I was abruptly reminded that she was no longer there. It was almost like I was rolling back a tomb to see her and was told “She is not here.” In my dream, I immediately started to cry. I wondered why, as I traveled to where she was, that I didn’t remember that she was no longer there. I wasn’t grieved from the shock of new news. I was grieved from the reminder of old news. Perhaps a part of me craves to be where I believe she is, in the bosom of Abraham. Perhaps a part of me still cries for what she had to endure in her last days. After I woke up and realized that I was in grief, I cried out to the Lord, “I miss her!” I gave myself time to feel that hurt and allowed the tears to flow freely. Then I smiled within my spirit and started to praise God in spite of the hurt I was feeling. I thanked Him for giving me her in the first place. I thanked Him for what she meant to me and how she helped me become the woman I am today. I thanked Him for allowing me to experience the kind of love in my lifetime that would cause me to grief even after death. That’s some deep and wonderful love right there! I don’t imagine that I will ever stop having these occasional Divine appointments with grief as long as I live. Truth be told, I don’t want to. Even in this grief, I’m able to celebrate the goodness and mercy of God. And I’m able to remember that beautiful woman I called my “Moma”. I can no longer hear her and I can no longer see her. But I’m thankful in this glorious grief, that I’m able to remember her. *Precious memories*

*Tressa Jo