BeyondSeeLevel

It  amazes me how one of the biggest lessons I’ve ever learned about living the single life, was actually learned while I was married. During the course of my first marriage, I, like many, have experienced the trauma and drama dealing with an unfaithful, adulterous spouse. Considering he was my “first love” and we had our first child, you can imagine the emotional roller coaster I was on. During this time, I began my journey towards a “committed” walk with the Lord. I had come to the Lord about two years prior. But I still hadn’t committed to Him yet. You do know that you can come to the Lord and not be committed right? Anyway….I would pray for God to “fix him”–show my husband what he was doing to me. I deserved so much better than this because I was faithful and committed to him, in spite of his lack of faithfulness to me. It was during this time of new dedication to the Lord that God showed me ME. 

First, God revealed to me that my prayers were selfish and didn’t really even consider my husband; only what he was doing to and for me. It was literally like a light bulb came on in my spirit. I realized at that moment that I prayed ABOUT my husband, but I never prayed FOR my husband. Wow! God showed me my own offense as I brought my husband’s offenses to Him to deal with. Wow again! After that, I still struggled praying FOR my husband because he was still hurting me. I didn’t have thoughts of his welfare or him becoming a better man of God. I was only concerned about him becoming a better man for me. He was still unfaithful and I still wanted him to be faithful. I wanted my family to stay together. I was open with God about my struggle to pray for him. In the meantime, I started praying for myself. I knew that I had been so focused on my husband’s sin that I could no longer see the ugliness of my own sin. I know, had I not truly committed my life to God after coming to Him, I may have never had this personal revelation. So even though I was struggling to pray for my husband, I started to pray for myself. I didn’t consume my prayers with wanting things to be better or the state of my marriage. I focused on my relationship with God and becoming the woman, mother and even the wife God had positioned me to be. I started to understand that all of the hats I wore were hats of stewardship. God expected ME to steward my marriage, motherhood and myself in a manner that would bring Him glory. Even if I had to accept the grief of a failed marriage and a broken family, I was still responsible for glorifying God. And I purposed to live that exact way. Sometimes, I had to glorify Him through tears, struggle and sleepless nights. But I did it! I really started to grow in my relationship with God and I no longer gave my circumstances the power to dictate how I would act, live or who I would be. I became emotionally responsible and personally accountable for the choices that I made. God delivered me from a spirit of retaliation. Even though the marriage failed and I dealt with the aftermath and shame of being a divorced, struggling, unsupported mother, I still felt no desire to see him suffer or pay for the things he had done against me or was failing to do for our child.

The second thing God revealed to me was that my relationship with my husband (although it was dysfunctional) was more of a god to me than God was to me. I remember sitting at the dining room table about to eat a meal I had prepared. I don’t remember if I had gotten a knock at the door or a phone call from another woman (again). But my countenance fell immediately. I completely lost my appetite. My husband and I had just had another “meeting of reconciliation” the previous day. So needless to say, I was feeling good and hopeful about my marriage. But that encounter forced me accept the fact that they were just words and nothing more. As relentless as I had been trying to “make things work” I was officially tired. I still loved him, but I was tired. I was too tired to keep trying, but not tired enough to quit. So being separated was fine with me. But as I sat at that table staring at my food in tears, God whispered some words into my spirit. He didn’t rebuke me. He didn’t even comfort me. But He asked me a series of questions that I pray I never forget as long as I live. God asked me the following questions:

Have you ever cried when You didn’t hear from Me?
Have you ever lost your appetite when you felt disconnected from Me?
Have you ever lost any sleep waiting on Me to show you some love and affection?
Have you ever manipulated your schedule to make sure you were able to spend time with Me?
Am I really your #1 priority?

Wow!!!! God used my dysfunctional relationship with my adulterous husband to show me that I was an adulterer in my relationship with Him. I wasn’t fully committed. Hearing the voice of God was not enough of a priority in my life that I would cry about it if I didn’t hear from Him. I had never really felt disconnected from God because I hadn’t truly connected to Him from the beginning. As much as I desired the touch and attention of my husband on those many nights he didn’t come home, I’ve never stayed awake waiting to feel the touch and presence of God. And the most time I would give God was Sundays and Wednesday nights. But that was convenient—no manipulation needed. How dare I keep coming to God treating Him more like my Shuga Daddy than my Heavenly Father! I learned in a nutshell, that I had an “out of order” kind of affection and desire for my husband and for marriage. I wanted to be good for my husband but being good for God wasn’t a pressing priority.

As a single person, desiring marriage is honorable. However, it can also be out of order. Often times, the single person will seek to perfect themselves to qualify for the choicest prospective spouse. They present the best them in order to attract the best. They learn to talk right and act right. They perfect domestic or provisional abilities. They say, “I’m preparing myself for the man/woman God has for me.” All the while, failing to remember the fact that God created you for His good pleasure–not your own or a spouse’s pleasure. God tells us in His word that He is a jealous God. How do you think God feels when we put forth being our very best for another, but not Him? What do you think He thinks when we have more urgency to acquire and maintain romantic relationships, than we have to maintain a pleasing relationship with Him?

Have you ever had love and lost it? Do you remember how you felt? Did you cry? Did you lose any sleep? Was your mind consumed with thoughts of him/her? God could be asking you the same questions He asked me almost 20 years ago. Be honest in your assessment. Do you have an out of order kind of affection or desire for romance?

*Tressa Jo