BeyondSeeLevel

So I just turned 40 years old. I’ve never been known to make a big to-do about my birthday. I don’t really celebrate me. Not quite sure why I don’t.  But I have a few thoughts. And since I don’t make a big deal about it, I’m always overwhelmed when others do. I definitely love & appreciate all the  well wishes and love. But there are certain words that touch me in a very deep way.  People take this day,  of all days,  to express to me how they really feel about our relationship and about me as a person.  I’m very intentional in my relationships. I want people to feel better & be better after an encounter with me.  Above all things, I’m most moved by those words that express the God impression I’ve left on them.  I often say,  “I don’t want to or try to be impressive.  I just want to be effective.” And I really do mean this.

I sit and wonder sometimes why in the world does God choose to use my pathetic self as a vessel for His glory?  Why would He bother Himself positioning someone as inconsistent as I am at times, to do anything great?  Why would He put people in my path that I’m able to connect with beyond myself and in spite of myself?
Most of the time,  birthdays cause you to reflect and remember.  You remember where you’ve come from.  You remember who you used to be.  You remember the tears you’ve shed.  You remember the loved ones you’ve lost.  And sometimes in your remembering,  you cry tears of grief.  Other times,  you celebrate overcoming hardships. Then at times,  you sit in silence anticipating what’s next.

As I listen to & read the warm sentiments that are purposed to celebrate me,  I started to connect my  “back then” with my “right now”. And then it made sense to me.  It was for my growth & for God’s glory.

I can’t celebrate myself without celebrating God.  I know who I used to be.  I know what I used to do.  I know who I’d still be if I didn’t have God leading me. I know what I’d still be doing had I not surrendered my life to God. And because I know me,  I can’t boast on who I am or how people see me.  Yes.  I’m intentional in my walk with God.  But I know it’s Him that works in me to will and do of His good pleasure.  In and of myself,  I can’t do it.

I don’t downplay what God is doing thru me. It took me a while to recognize that He chose me.  He chose this woman that should have died on two different occasions, as a teen after two suicide attempts. He chose this woman that married young and divorced young.  He chose this woman that would be a single mother of two children.  He chose this woman that would be widowed after a second marriage. He chose this woman that survived domestic violence & sexual abuse.  He chose this woman that would struggle financially.  He chose this woman that didn’t have a college degree. He chose this woman that occasionally, still struggles with loving herself. He chose this woman that still wonders, at times, if she’s good enough to serve the people of God effectively. He chose this woman to minster from the places of her brokenness; her weaknesses.  He chose this woman to speak words that were articulated by her, but came directly from Him. He chose this woman to minister to people with what she needed, not what she had. He chose this woman that’s now ok with her “in spite of” calling & with her “in spite of” ministry.

In spite of me, God uses me.  I’ll never be perfect.  But I’m purposed.  I’ll never be sinless. But I’ll continue to strive to sin less. So my overwhelming birthday sentiment is this:

My mess caused me misery.  But I took that misery to the Master.  Then the Master had mercy on me.  After He had mercy on me,  He gave me a ministry.  Now I’m on a mission.

The beautiful thing is the fact that we all have an “in spite of” calling and ministry.

*Tressa Jo