One of the most profound and important questions I was asked as a single woman was “Are you available?” When I considered this question for myself, I realized that it had way more weight than simply answering if I was in a committed relationship. As a matter of fact, I realized that being able to respond to this question wasn’t only determined if I was in or not in a committed relationship.
Although you may desire a relationship or believe you’re ready for one, it doesn’t mean that you are ready. What makes you available is not just your current relationship status or a strong desire for one. Where you are mentally, emotionally and spiritually are all significant in if you’re available or not.
Consider the following to assess where you are.
Are you available?
Part 1
Stop placing yourself on hold for a maybe. Maybe he’ll want more. Maybe he won’t. I’m a firm believer in the fact that if a man wants you, he’ll do something to make his intentions clear. But you have to make sure that you’re honest, wise and discerning if he wants you or just access to you. You have to understand that you being a good catch won’t make a man’s pursuit of you honorable. He has to come with his own honor, independent of you. In other words, your goodness won’t make him good. And just because you can have a good time with him, doesn’t mean you can build a good life with him. I must be brutally honest, as I reflect on my own past. Sometimes, we create our own relational misfortunes by trying to be the right one for the wrong one. You fully understand the plan that God has for you (even when you keep veering off the path to do your own thing your own way). And instead of you being all in God’s way, you straddle the fence trying to hold onto the benefits of God and a piece of the world at the same time. Tip-toeing into the world to find love, then try to drag him to God to fix him and your relationship when there’s trouble in paradise. And you find out again, that oil and water still don’t mix. God’s way is right.
Part 2
Have you assessed your baggage? Are you healed or free from past experiences? Will the new man have to be punished for what the old man did? I do believe that some past failed relationships can create a degree of relational (and sometimes, personal) insecurities. The new man can be instrumental in helping you heal and regain a sense of security. But he’s not responsible for your healing. That’s your responsibility. You should already be on a healing journey before you enter into a new relationship. And way too often, instead of us waiting on God, we move ahead and get into relationships that will further exploit our previous brokenness. And this habitual, irresponsible cycle pulls you further out of God’s will. It numbs you emotionally and conditions you to keep attaching yourself to “Mr. Right Now” because something is better than nothing. You’ll keep settling for company at the expense of commitment. And you’ll settle for a commitment at the expense of a covenant.
Part 3
Are you still tied to being available for “him” when he’s only expressed interest, but has yet to really invest in you? Who is “him”? “Him” is that dude that you really want to be The One, even though you know he’s toxic. And if he’s not necessarily toxic, he’s done nothing worthwhile to have your attention the way he does. But for some reason, a part of you just can’t keep him off your mind. This reminds me of the song by Jasmine Sullivan, I’m In Love With Someone Else. She’s telling the right man that she’s not available for him, because she’s in love with the wrong man. She admits that he feeds her flesh, but starves her soul. Jasmine knew he wasn’t good for her. She was honest about it. But many women aren’t. Too many have convinced themselves that the man they want is good for them. Not because he is, but because that’s what she has to convince herself of to keep him in her life. This is why some of us need to check our appetites. You can’t keep eating a junk food diet expecting to get the nutrition that you need to be healthy. Most won’t have a “Jasmine” conversation with the right man or even with themselves. But you have a “Jasmine” heart. You’re being led and deceived by your own unhealthy appetites for love, affection and attention. And you’re unable to discern what’s good for you because you’re in our flesh. I learned this the hard way. For myself, I could not have chosen a healthy man because I wasn’t a healthy woman. My flesh had me sick. And I thought it was the man that was making me sick. Nope! I was already sick. Those bad relationships and toxic men just exposed that I was sick.
So…. Ask yourself…. Am I really available?
*Tressa Jo
BeyondSeeLevel 