I’ve been in some mighty low places in my lifetime. Woke up crying. Went to bed crying. Forcing myself to move when I wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere and die. At certain times, wishing that God would just take my life and all the pain be over. I would pray. Sometimes, I couldn’t pray. I just sat with my eyes closed. Numb.
I’m not sure what people saw when they looked at me, but I was a mess on the inside. In the span of a few months, I lost my mother to cancer, ended trying to save my marriage to a drug addicted, violent spouse and I lost a job. Somehow, I had to keep going to take care of my children. It seemed like things weren’t letting up and the pain continued.
I remember, after finally realizing my limitations, praying “Lord, if you choose not to change my circumstances, change me.” Talk about breaking some chains! This what definitely a “But God!” moment.
Somehow, God started working on the inside of me in a way that couldn’t even be touched by what was happening on the outside of me. I accepted what I couldn’t change. And I did what I could do for myself. I shifted my expectations, my energy and my focus. What the enemy tried to use to destroy me, was the exact thing God used to develop me.
I’ve learned that the pain doesn’t last forever. I’ve learned that what the enemy means for evil, God will and can purpose it for my growth and His glory (if I’m willing to surrender all to Him). I’ve learned that while I was waiting on God to show up, He was waiting on me to realize that He was already there. He was ALWAYS there! He sustained me!
*Tressa Jo
BeyondSeeLevel 