It’s interesting how as a single, we can have our eyes set looking for the man of our dreams. We even get real specific with God, and start asking Him for our future Boo to have characteristics that fulfill our pleasures. “Please Lord, let him be 6’+, dark skinned, bearded, etc.” We pray, convinced that God wants us to be so satisfied with who we marry, that He’ll consume Himself with fashioning a man just to fit our shallow desires. We pray for pleasure, but God is fulfilling purpose.
We fantasize about the man of our dreams coming into our lives and sweeping us off our feet and living happily ever after. It seems the picture gets clearer and clearer as time passes of what we want, to the point of being non-negotiable. But the prospects of him coming gets further and further away.
I’ve come to realize that sometimes our imaginations can hinder us from our reality. Being consumed with this fantasy-filled perfect picture of the man of your dreams can blind you to God’s plan and God’s man for you.
Years ago, I had a close friend recommended that I try a dating site. I resisted at first, but decided to give it a try. I was annoyed with the experience because it took too much effort to weed out all the wolves (that’s actually all I encountered). But at the same time, I was drawn to it because of all the attention I was getting. It stroked my ego a little bit. I’d never gotten this much attention from men before. But I had to admit to myself, I didn’t like the kind of attention I was getting. I knew the men didn’t want me. They just wanted access to me. We weren’t on the same page about what we were looking for at all. Some were even bold and honest enough to make it obvious that they were looking for an arrangement, not a relationship.
That was very short lived and I decided that wasn’t for me. I remember as I was disabling my website account, I prayed to God. “God, I trust You with this area of my life.” As I truly surrended my singleness to God, God would take me on a journey that changed the course of my life, my focus and my prayers.
Initially, God placed this verse on my heart:
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2
I began to see as clear as day, how we allow the world to shape our world views. Specifically, in the area of marriage and relationships. I’ve even heard “spiritual counseling” on marriage that involved more worldly perspectives than biblical perspectives. In other words, the world’s opinions about what would make a healthy marriage, became more of a voice than God’s. And God created marriage!
I committed myself to purpose living and purpose thinking. That meant that I had to unlearn what I thought I knew and allow God to teach me His truths. I didn’t just want a good man to come into my life. I wanted God’s man. And I understood that if I wanted a God product (a relationship/marriage that glorifies God), I’d have to be willing to submit to a God process.
Romans 12:2 led the way. I was actually in a season of contentment in my singleness. I had desires for companionship and marriage, but they didn’t consume me. I was just trying to walk in my purpose calling and that gave me a sense of fulfillment.
Focusing on Romans 12:2 triggered a series of questions in my heart. As I ask God the questions, He revealed to me the answer in layers.
As I reflected on my past relationships, I started to ask God “Why?”. Not the “why?” most would ask after failed relationships. I didn’t ask why it didn’t work out. I didn’t ask why they did what they did. I asked God, “Lord, what was it in me that made me choose them?”.
I understood that my past was a direct result of me chasing what I wanted. But in this journey, God was preparing me to see what I needed.
As I reflected on the “me” of my past, God showed me the magnitude of my brokenness. Then He showed me where it started. Then I was able to see how that brokenness showed up in different areas and in different seasons of my life. I learned that my past relationships represented my brokenness. I couldn’t have chosen a healthy man because I wasn’t a healthy woman!
I believe that we all have a degree of brokenness within us. That doesn’t disqualify us from finding love. But knowing what that brokenness is, will empower you to know what you need, not just what you want.
There’s a difference between when someone ministers to your brokenness and when they enable you in your brokenness. Both can make you feel good. But they both can’t help you be better and heal.
When a man has the capacity to minister to your brokenness, he faces your brokenness. He doesn’t deny or ignore it. And he certainly won’t guilt you for being broken. He addresses your insecurities by creating security within the relationship. And he creates a safe environment for you to be you. And as you both dwell together in a safe place, you both are free and clear to start a healing process. That’s what true liberty affords you. Too often, we enter into relationships guarded and still functioning in survival mode. We’re never allowed the opportunity to let our guards down long enough to address our inner hurts. We’re too busy defending and protecting ourselves from real and potential threats.
As God revealed to me my brokenness, simultaneously, He started to reveal to me what I truly needed. Moreso, what I would need from the man that would become my husband. I realized that attraction and compatibility can provide a sense of happiness with a person, but it cannot minister to your brokenness and aide you in a healing process when it’s not from God.
Although society was telling me that I needed to be whole, complete and have everything in order before the right man would come along, God showed me something different. My commitment to God made me healthy enough to be an asset and not a liability, if I were to enter into a relationship. But the man that God had for me would be assigned to minister to the places in my spirit that God would later heal.
My prayers weren’t consumed with asking God for what I wanted in a man. They were consumed with what I needed within myself. And when my heart was postured to receive what I needed from God for myself, He positioned me to receive what I would need from the man in my life. Once again, Romans 12:2 ushered me into another revelation. The world will tell you not to need, but want a man. But the Word makes it clear that the woman was man for the man and that the woman is not independent of the man. We actually do need one another.
Not only did my prayers shift, but I shifted as well. Some of us are good people, but we’re not ready for what we’re asking God for. But you can trust that God hears every word. Instead of Him giving you something you’re not ready for, He’ll help you get ready to receive what you’re asking for. And when you finally received what you’ve been praying for, you’ll understand why God made you wait. When God blesses you with the man of your prayers and not just the one of your dreams, all of heaven rejoices.
Proverbs 10:22 The blessing of the LORD makes a person rich, and he adds no sorrow with it.
*Tressa Jo
BeyondSeeLevel 