BeyondSeeLevel

I had somewhat of a restless night. I just couldn’t get comfortable. My mind has been going and going. I’m not stressed. Just consumed. As I embark on this new chapter in my life, I have many somber-sweet moments. I’m preparing to relocate to a new city, after spending my entire life in Dallas. I’m excited, thankful and ready for the transition.

However, as I purge my residence, I’m getting rid of many things that I don’t plan on taking with me. As I go through my belongings, I’m reminded of times and events from my past. Some were pleasant. Some were very difficult and grievous. The smallest things take me back in time to places that I hadn’t thought about in a long time.

This morning I woke up with tears in my eyes. My mother passed away in 2008. After which, I would occasionally dream about her. In those dreams, she would never speak. But she would just sit or stand quietly. I knew she was sick. She was quiet because she was always in pain in my dreams — suffering in silence. These dreams represented the same experiences I had with my mom in her last days. She didn’t do a lot of talking. She just laid there thinking. I would try to get her to talk to me and tell me what was on her mind. But she never did.

About two years ago, I had a different kind of dream. This dream seemed to signify a breakthrough in my silent grief. This time she was happy. She was talking and laughing–just like I remembered before she got sick. I remember waking up from that dream with a smile on my face and in my spirit.

I don’t dream about her often. But this morning I woke up with tears in my eyes because I was crying in my dream. I dreamed my mom was talking and lively. But she was sick. We had gotten in from a day of errands and business. She said she was tired and turning in for the evening. Her body looked so strong and healthy even though she was sick. I asked her if she needed anything before she went to rest. As she walked past me, she answered “You can get down on your knees and send a prayer up for me.” I tried to say “I’ve been praying for you.” But as I opened my mouth to speak, I burst into tears and sobbing. She stepped to me and put her hand on my shoulder to comfort me. That’s when I woke up still in tears.

At that moment in my dream, I was the one that couldn’t speak because I was in pain. I used to dream that she wouldn’t speak because she was in too much pain because she was sick. Then another time, I dreamed that she spoke and wasn’t sick at all. But this time, she spoke and was sick.

One thing that grieved me most as my mom’s health deteriorated was the fact that she didn’t talk a whole lot about it. She didn’t tell me what she was thinking about. I told her , “Moma it’s ok to talk about it. If you want to scream, I’ll scream with you. If you want to cry, I’ll cry with you.” I told her that her silence wouldn’t stop us (her children) from hurting because we loved her. If she’s hurting, we’re hurting.

On her last day, in pain and desperation to help herself, she said “I’m trying to cope.” I feel that was her way of saying “This is hard for me.” My mother was in the process of transition from life to death as she spoke those words. I believe she new it. I saw it in her eyes. I knew it even though I’d never seen it before.

It’s interesting how my dreams went from my mom not speaking to share her grief about her sickness to me not being able to speak because of my grief. I used to think to myself, “Maybe she doesn’t want to talk about it”. But now I realize that maybe she just couldn’t talk about it. I tried to respond to her request for me to pray for her in my dream, but my heart was so heavy, in that moment, I couldn’t speak. All I could do was cry. My grief silenced me. I was trying to be there for her in that moment and speak words of love and support, but my own pain held my tongue hostage and wouldn’t let me speak.

She placed her hand on my shoulder to comfort me as I hurt for her. (Much like I did on her last day. I kneeled by her hospital bed holding and rubbing her hand.) No words spoken from either of us. Just us in one another’s presence. Sometimes, you won’t have words to comfort others. Sometimes, their words won’t comfort you. Sometimes, just being there with your loved one as they go through that pain is enough.

*Tressa Jo

The relationship between a husband and a wife is threefold. It’s positional. It’s purpose. It’s performance. If an individual does not respect and honor the marital position of their spouse or understand and appreciate the purpose their spouse is called into and serves in their relationship, they will not value how their spouse performs in the marriage. Positionally, they must value and respect the place their spouse holds in their lives. They have to understand that their spouse is priority over any and all other relationships, outside of their relationship with God. And because they honor and respect the position of their spouse in the marriage, they will protect, nurture and steward their marriage in a way that promotes marital security and longevity. Marriage is also purpose. When an individual enters into a marriage, they must have an understanding of God’s Divine purpose for marriage. Then they must come to an understanding of why God place them in their spouse’s life specifically. And why God placed them and their lives. Embracing purpose in a marriage promotes intimacy, servitude and sacrifice. It keeps the marriage in line with God’s Divine intentions and purpose for marriage. It also creates a path for guidance and direction that creates harmony and oneness because both have committed to walking in the same direction to fulfill the same Divine purpose. Marriage is also performance. Both the husband and the wife are called into this relationship positionally and purposefully. But they must also perform. God has given both the husband and the wife specific roles the play in this Divine union of marriage. Whenever roles and duties are abandoned, neglected or abused, individuals suffer and marital harmony and union is compromised. However, even when an individual effectively and consistently performs within the marriage, if the other spouse never develops a consistent mindset and appreciation for marital position and purpose, how one performs won’t be valued or appreciated either. In other words, they can do everything right but it still won’t be enough. True commitment in marriage has to include a commitment to the individual. But it also has to include a commitment and understanding of covenant. Covenant recognizes that God brings the two together. But covenant also continues to seek God to keep them together.

*Tressa Jo