BeyondSeeLevel

Recently, I attended the funeral of a friend.  The preacher that facilitated the funeral beckoned the audience to give the widower a standing ovation for keeping his vow. He recognized the husband for staying with his wife through good and bad times and through sickness and in health. But what warranted the standing ovation was that he was there “till death did them part”. It was a moment of celebration and of sadness. We stood to our feet to celebrate his commitment and care for his wife during her season of sickness. It was very obvious for any that had a front row seat to this couple that he cared for her; particularly, when she wasn’t able to care for herself.  After seasons of fighting in hope, they both had to come to grips and accept the inevitable. As the preacher shouted, the audience cheered. Till death did they part! Till death did they part!

A few days later, I attended a ladies day church event to support my mentor and fellowship with some sisters in Christ. At this event, there was a panel of ladies that spoke on the different stages of walking in faith. One sister, in particular, said something that really got my attention. She talked about how she held on to her faith when her husband suddenly and unexpectedly died from a massive heart attack. He was only 50 years old. That’s not old at all. Can you imagine the degree of hurt she experienced trying to embrace the reality that her husband was gone? She talked about some of her thoughts early in her grief. She would think in her spirit, “I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you!” In her grief, she’d utter words to her husband as if he was right there in her presence. She just wanted to feel his presence so badly—even if she could only feel it in her spirit.

I’m not sure how long she toiled in the depths of her grief. There are many adjustments and changes a person has to make when their spouse dies. She no longer had him there to talk to or to touch. She was now sleeping alone every night. There were no more good mornings or good nights to exchange. That just touches the surface. The realities that she had to come to accept are the same realities my friend’s husband will eventually have to accept over the course of time.

That one statement that stood out most to me as the sister on the panel spoke was this: As she rehearsed her hurt and consumed herself with thoughts she’d spend the rest of her life with her husband, God whispered peace into her spirit.  God simply showed her that her husband thought the same exact thing. And he did exactly that! He spent the rest of his life with her! He fulfilled his vows till death did them part. Did that eliminate her pain? Absolutely not! But it gave her a fresh perspective of the covenant vows they both took when they said “I do”.  She realized that her vows were to be fulfilled in life and in death. She recognized that although they didn’t plan it this way, God already knew her husband’s death date, just as He knew his birth date. God knew!

During this day and age, many marriages end over trivial things. Most of which, never include the death of a spouse. Becoming a widow is a God designed covenant fulfillment worthy of celebrating; worthy of a standing ovation. Two different couples– Two different life journeys together–Two husbands worthy of celebrating. One we celebrate in life. The other, we celebrate in death. Till death did they part.

*Tressa Jo

I had a wonderful discussion with a friend of mine yesterday. The flow of our dialogues usually center around religion and relationships. I’m always intrigued with the mind of an honest man. Or at least a man that’s willing to be transparent about the male agenda. In his transparency, I’ve learned a lot about men—good and bad. He’s not a self-proclaimed “good-guy”. Therefore, he’s always willing to share the “game” with me. More particularly, the game among the Christian singles. He’s expressed to me on several occasions his “not so honorable” attempts to pursue certain women in the Church. I really appreciate his honesty because even though his intentions weren’t always right, he calls his behaviors exactly what they were and never tries to justify them by blaming a gullible or weak woman. That’s another conversation for another day.

He admits that all he has to do is have a few conversations with a sister (if not one) to know if he will be able to “get some”. He says that he goes in with good intentions. But the woman’s naivety and contradictory dialogue baits his flesh in like a moth to a flame. He doesn’t attempt to deceive them. He’s actually very honest about not looking for a serious relationship and about the fact that celibacy is not his strongest virtue. However, he omits the fact that her conversation determined the direction of his pursuit of her—if he pursues her or pursues her sex. He told me her language will either incriminate her or confirm her.

Many Christian women will make a celibacy declaration at the beginning of their “getting to know you” phase with a man. My friend says that’s no problem for him because he knows that many men (brothers in Christ, in particular) are chasing these women to get sex, not to develop real relationships. So he definitely understands why a sister would put that out on the table so soon. Basically, she’s communicating with him not to waste his time if that’s what he’s looking for because she’s not giving it up. Nevertheless, he’s still no stranger to taking advantage of the sister that incriminates herself by saying too much. You see because he’s still that man, he’s going to throw out what I call “bait language”. This is something a brother will say to a sister to gauge her response to determine just what kind of woman he’s working with. He says most fail the test. He throws out a few sexual innuendos or confessions of his own weaknesses to see how she responds. They will either repel her or draw her in.

I tell him all the time that I think he’s a charmer. That’s not a compliment. It’s just an observation. He shakes his head because he doesn’t see it. So yesterday, I explained to him what I meant about him being a charmer. Initially, I joked and said “It’s not like you’re a Billy Dee Williams or a LL “lip licking Cool J.” He doesn’t talk low and slow to appeal to the ladies. He’s actually a regular ole Joe. He doesn’t put extra bass in his voice, give you the smokey-eye look or lick his lips to try to turn you on. He’s just friendly and kind. He appeals to a woman’s emotions. He uses this as an advantage to get what he wants from the ladies. He knows that if he can get you laughing and feeling a certain kind of way, he can gain access to a little more of you. In plain English, his knows that “If he can make her feel good, she’ll make him feel good.”  

I explained to him that as a woman, I have a better chance of getting the man I want to commit to me if I can make him “think” a certain way about me. “I’m a good homemaker. I’m submissive. I’m chaste. Etc.”  But as a man, if he wants access to a woman, he has a better chance of getting her if he makes her “feel” a certain way about him. I call this the fluffy stuff. Most woman look forward to this part of a relationship. I know I do! Sometimes, we rush to feel and we stop thinking. I told him that I believe men know this. If they can get a woman to feel and stop thinking, they can probably get whatever else they want from her. It’s a trade off. He makes her feel good emotionally. She makes him feel good physically. That’s actually a very natural response for most women. We want to show our love physically once he’s shown his mentally and emotionally.

I told him that I’m just like any other woman. But I’m aware of what being in “feel mode” does to me. Although, “feel mode” is exactly where I want to be with a man, I choose to think. I choose to think so that I can see. Feeling has a way of blinding us. We will deny or won’t see anything that has the potential to sabotage what we’re feeling. A woman’s emotions are the gateway for a man to gain access to other parts of her. This is why I don’t pursue romance. I pursue friendship. Pre-commitment romance is all about manipulating emotions. Let’s just feel good about being in one another’s presence. With all that feeling going on, you’ve probably gone blind (to some necessary realities about him and the relationship).

What I know about being a single woman is that you absolutely do not gain the advantage by pretending that you don’t have or by denying that you have desires. Because you won’t give adequate attention to guarding what you refuse to admit is there. Being a Christian woman doesn’t eliminate your desires. But it does give us access to what we need in order to control them. But flirting with compromise with risky dialogues fuels those desires—especially when you have a physical attraction to a man. My friend told me that men listen to everything the sisters say—especially on social media. They listen to find the cracks in our obedience, identify our weaknesses and feel us out for hypocrisies.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting the fluffy stuff in a relationship. But you have to use wisdom and discernment in determining if it’s even safe to feel with this particular man. Everything will have its time. But during the getting to know you phase, we need to think, not feel. It’s ideal to have that fluffy stuff with a man that’s intentional about, not only protecting your purity, but protecting his own purity. Who doesn’t want a Monster’s Ball kind of feel good?! But that kind of feel good is for the married; not the single and dating.

My friend told me that he loses respect for a woman once he realizes that her walk doesn’t match her talk. He looks at her differently when it takes very little pressuring to get her to let down her defenses and give way to his “charm”. He also said he’d still fool with her but that he wouldn’t marry her. That doesn’t sound right or nice, but he’s being honest. And his honesty is indicative of the agendas of many other men. As I encourage him to surrender that part of his life to God in obedience, I also encourage my sisters to walk in wisdom, use discernment and discipline their emotions. Don’t allow your emotions to take you places and do things you will regret later. “Good girls” are getting got by nice guys every day. They know that the street approach won’t increase the probability that they could pull a church girl. So they are very strategic in their approach. Different approach, same agenda. Think! Think! Think! And get out of your feelings!

These are the kind of people who smooth-talk themselves into the homes of unstable and needy women and take advantage of them; women who, depressed by their sinfulness, take up with every new religious fad that calls itself “truth.” They get exploited every time and never really learn. These men are like those old Egyptian frauds Jannes and Jambres, who challenged Moses. They were rejects from the faith, twisted in their thinking, defying truth itself. But nothing will come of these latest impostors. Everyone will see through them, just as people saw through that Egyptian hoax.
2 Timothy 3:6-9
(Message)

*Tressa Jo